You can’t just fix something
you have to work at it every day
relationships take work consistently
working at the relationship is what makes it work
not fixing it one time and then hoping that it’ll be OK
that will be enough
It’s not enough
you have to choose in every day
and work at it
It is not about you
it’s about both people and if you don’t focus what’s best for both people
Otherwise the relationship won’t work
She knows there is no future with me
So no feelings
No real desire at all
Just for fun
Just a fix
She fixed it
I let it happen
Even though I knew
Nine years and counting
Maybe this time would be different
Or maybe I’ll have to wait 9 more
To gain access to her depth
Her feelings and emotions
Her passions and desires
Nine more years and I might
I might be more than a fix.
Do you know how amazing you are?
Do you really realize how truly incredible you are?
Your strength and your re
I feel like I’ve had to work equally as hard to keep you out of my life and my mind over the past year as I worked to get you to stay in my life 6 and a half years ago.
It didn’t work then either
Having you show up in my life
Over and over again
Is like ripping off a bandaid
Over and over again
I don’t want your time, energy or attention
I don’t want you to call
or try to talk to me at all
I don’t want to see you or have you visiting
But most mostly I don’t want to want you with every part of my being.
Lyfe says, if he will cheat on her then he will cheat on you.
I love you
But I don’t trust you
…so does that mean I don’t love you?
And if I don’t love you, what are these feelings?
Almost 7 years…
It’s not like you were my first
Because I don’t have any feelings about him–
Not love, not hate
He was never inside me the way you were…are
None of them were,
So how do I make sense of it
When I want you
I want to see you
I want to talk to you
I want to be with you
But I don’t want the pain of losing you
And that’s what’s going to happen
I just am so emotional about I can barely make a decision or response…
I’m contradicting myself…
You have your life and I have mine
It seems to me like we’re better separate
Six and a half years later
We’re still in the same sick cycle–
We can’t seem to let go
We seem to like the idea of each other
But we can’t seem to make the reality work
I don’t think you really know me
And even though I’ve read your blog
And I feel like I resonate with a lot of what you say
I don’t really think I know you either
And you clearly moved on, got into another relationship
And then another
And maybe some others in between
I can’t any more with you …
This cannot be healthy
For either of us
It’s a sick cycle.
I want you like I want cake
I desire your sweetness
I crave your goodness
I want to savor all that you have to offer
You’ll make me feel good
And I will make you feel wanted
We will have a moment
And it will be amazing
But -like cake- when it’s over…
And I’m left feeling empty
More hungry than before
And I’m also left with something…
Unhealthy baggage in my life
You offered me nothing healthy
Only empty, sugary sweetness
The only way to save myself is to not.
To not indulge in the emptiness you offer.
The truth is…
I want to
Over and over
But the more I do
The more I’ll pack in
The baggage will be heavier
I’ll weigh more
I’ll have nothing of worth to show for it
You don’t add anything to my life
But pain and regret
I want you like I want cake.
Don’t worry you’re not alone.
I’m trying to avoid cake too.
Have you ever heard of sense memory? When I think of sense memory, I think of memory, usually an emotional memory, that is connected to one of your senses, such as a sound or song that holds meaning for you or maybe the taste or feel of something might bring up a feeling for you, perhaps it’s a smell or something you see like a place or an object or person? and that person brings up all kinds of emotions for you. If the emotions and the feelings connected with that sense, that taste or feel or smell or sight, are negative then you avoid it.
For me, you are negative sight and that may not be a nice thing to say but it is the truth and the truth isn’t always nice.
“why do I always end up with men who treat me terribly?” and “why do you go about your life as if you haven’t left wreckage in your wake?”
The answers to these questions aren’t nice but they are the truth and the truth will set you free and if I have any part of me that is not free because I have some lies somewhere that someone is telling me.
Or that I am telling myself.
I am museums and nearly empty Vietnamese food restaurants
I am movies at home and talking in bed
I am walks along the water and one on one dinners
I won’t ever feel comfortable in clubs or trying to make conversation with people I barely know
I won’t ever feel comfortable in crowds or trying to do small talk
I won’t ever feel comfortable in groups of people I don’t know or dancing till 2