Sick Cycle

I feel like I’ve had to work equally as hard to keep you out of my life and my mind over the past year as I worked to get you to stay in my life 6 and a half years ago.

It didn’t work then either

Having you show up in my life
Over and over again
Is like ripping off a bandaid
Over and over again

I don’t want your time, energy or attention
I don’t want you to call
or try to talk to me at all
I don’t want to see you or have you visiting
But most mostly I don’t want to want you with every part of my being.

Lyfe says, if he will cheat on her then he will cheat on you.

I love you
But I don’t trust you
…so does that mean I don’t love you?
And if I don’t love you, what are these feelings?

Almost 7 years…
It’s not like you were my first
Because I don’t have any feelings about him–
Not love, not hate
Just indifference,
He was never inside me the way you were…are
None of them were,
So how do I make sense of it
When I want you
I want to see you
I want to talk to you
I want to be with you
But I don’t want the pain of losing you
And that’s what’s going to happen

I just am so emotional about I can barely make a decision or response…
I’m contradicting myself…

You have your life and I have mine
We manage
We’re happy
We thrive

It seems to me like we’re better separate

Six and a half years later
We’re still in the same sick cycle–
We can’t seem to let go
We seem to like the idea of each other
But we can’t seem to make the reality work
I don’t think you really know me
And even though I’ve read your blog
And I feel like I resonate with a lot of what you say
I don’t really think I know you either
And you clearly moved on, got into another relationship
And then another
And maybe some others in between

I can’t any more with you …
This cannot be healthy
For either of us
It’s a sick cycle.