Baggage

It came to me in a dream
Or rather, when I woke up
I don’t usually try to interpret my dreams
This one though, it kind of hit me,
Like it was clear as day,
‘Shelley, you’re carrying baggage.
A lot of it.
And it’s taking up a lot of your time and energy.’
I would have to say I knew this already
It usually comes out when I’m verbally processing,
And even more when I’m internally processing
But the visual representation in my dream,
It was like, “Woah!”
I wish now that I could have recorded it
Because I so easily forget
That I really tell myself, ‘I really need all this.’
And ‘it’s not THAT much’
I saw myself though,
Struggling with my bags, alone, while those around me were enjoy others company in the beautiful sun next to the bay,
and I just looked ridiculous.

Even as I took myself home I struggle with getting into my home,
At one point I left my baggage in the entry, at the bottom of the stairs,

But I couldn’t leave it there, I felt like I was missing something without it,
I couldn’t even imagine just leaving it,
I was so focused on bringing it with me, I couldn’t get up the stairs and into my door with it but I couldn’t let it go.
So I enlisted help.
Eventually we got most of it in the door.

*realization moment*
I enlist people to help me carry my baggage!
And even then it’s not enough!
And they don’t stay!
Because, why would they?!
Their only purpose was to help me get some of my baggage from… here to…. there,
I never really knew them, got to know them, cared about them,

I only saw my baggage.
I only cared about my baggage.
It takes all my energy and focus.
I can’t even enjoy my life,
People,
Scenery…

I’m carrying baggage

And it matters more to me than anything else…

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